Fucking over it.

kelly-sikkema-530092-unsplash

Blog post: https://daniellegruzelier.wixsite.com/livealittle/blog/fucking-over-it

Originally posted on: 1st October 2018


Excuse my french but today I hit breaking point. This usually happens every three weeks. It has been compiling for a few days now and I took it out on a Sistema in my kitchen.
I woke up this morning, no energy, and feeling down right sorry for myself. Chemo accumulates and gets worse as the weeks pass. This week is chemo week, which reminds me I have cancer. It is the waiting for the sickness. It’s horrible knowing that in a few days I will be feeling crap, both physically and mentally.
My dad came to pick me up to go to my pre-chemo appointments this morning and I just lost it. I screamed, I threw a Sistema box, I fell to the floor and cried. I cried so much, I howled – Sparkie got scared and ran into the bedroom to hide. I just want my old life back.
This year I had finally got my life together. Great partner, a beautiful flat, I was feeling confident in my body, I had settled well into work, I had a great social life and I was making/saving a lot of money. I was excited for next year to take my trip to Europe and also continue my tattoo sleeve.
Cancer has taken so much from me. I have lost my looks, my health, my energy, my income (I have had a to take a large pay decrease cause I am not at work a lot and I have no sick leave or annual leave to use) my social life, my tattooing, my ability to plan things in advance. I feel hopeless sometimes. I have to live day to day as I get frightened to make plans incase I can’t do them.
To add insult to injury I found out today that I will be on hormone therapy for the next 5 years, which means I will be in menopause for 5 years. How awful is that? I wanted to start trying for babies in my late 20’s and now that will not be possible. Yes, chemo is almost done and surgery is just around the corner but the battle for my health doesn’t end then. I will still be undergoing treatment for years to come.
The chemotherapy I am about to start is called FEC and nicknamed “The Red Devil” for its colour and the fact it makes you feel awful. My nausea is expected to get very bad and also constipation (I don’t know about you guys but nothing makes me feel better than a good poo) however the adult acne and body pains should be a thing of the past – we must take the highs where we can.
I do yoga religiously, it has been an integral part of why I have remained so positive and centred through this journey. After the mastectomy I won’t be able to practise for up to 3 months. I am so worried all the progress I have made, flexibility wise and strength wise will fade and I will be back to square one. It is just moments like these I think, why the fuck did this happen to me?
If you can’t tell already, I am having a low day today, but usually when there is a huge low there is a high to follow. I am hoping tomorrow when I wake up I will be feeling better and positive Dani will be back. Thanks for letting me rant. Sometimes a girl just gotta let go to move on.

Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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